seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
