Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
