My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
