that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
