recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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