you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
