Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
