and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
