God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
