hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
