He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
