Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
