All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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