mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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