It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
its liver damage thursday
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
