If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i think i just lost a toe
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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