While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
handjob tips. give me some.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
