I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
