Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
