Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
