I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
