THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
