I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
