I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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