No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize