I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
