Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
