i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
