I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
