two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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