Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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