Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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