this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Text me some of your sweat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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