I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
