apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
