You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
