Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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