How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
