After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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