Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
