just tell him i said nine months
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize