I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
