You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
