I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
