please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
