I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
