Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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