There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
