When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i think i just lost a toe
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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