I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
