Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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