Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
