so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize