connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
