My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
