I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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