She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
