Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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