I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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