This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
