this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
