dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
