We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
