Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Blow job season was short but glorious.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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