Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Vodka?
Forever.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
