i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
