i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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