I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize